Don’t get it, it’s a load of bullcrap! Common sense says that some programmes are better at making your computer run faster than others are, but Uniblue SpeedUpMyPC 2009 makes your computer run slower. SLOWER!!!! WTF!?!?!?!?

Tweaks

I tried applying all the tweaks that the programme found necessary for my computer to run faster. Here are the actual effects:

• Browser and network tweaks: Was supposed to make browser boot up faster and make webpages load faster. In reality, the browser takes twice as long to boot and the webpages loads just as quickly as before, assuming they load at all!
• Shut-down tweaks: Was supposed to make the process of shutting down your computer a lot faster. In reality, it has never been slower. I used to just press “start“, then “shut down computer“, and the shut-down box would appear after 5-15 seconds. The current time it takes for it to appear (timing it right now): 02:02.9 minutes. If we took the average time from before, this is an 1100% increase!! And the actual shut-down process is also slower than it was before, by 1.5x on average I’d say.
• Boot-up tweaks: Well, let’s just say, before I applied the tweaks, the computer COULD boot up.
• Recovery Center: In case you don’t like the tweaks, you can recover your old settings by undoing your tweaks. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Except, it doesn’t work. You can undo most of the tweaks, but not all of them. And even when the programme fails at reverting a tweak, it says it was successful in undoing them.

All in all, I have never, ever, EVER seen a programme fail it’s intended purpose as badly as this one. Unless you want to severely fuck up your computer, don’t get this programme!! Those of you who already have the programme will probably be going “You only adressed the bad things, not any of the other cool functions that are unique to SpeedUpMyPC.” and you would in a sense be right. I did not address them.

Why didn’t I? Because like 7 out of 10 functions are just a graphically enhanced Task Manager, which by the way boots faster than SpeedUpMyPC does (Startup time: Task Manager = less than 2½ seconds vs. SpeedUpMyPC = more than 2½ minutes). But because I know people will complain if I don’t do it, I’m gonna show you how to do the exact same things that SpeedUpMyPC does, but for free. So here come the images that will save you a bunch of money, since we have already established that the tweaks are complete and utter bullshit.

Functions

NB! My version of Windows XP is Danish, since it was purchased in Denmark, so please excuse the foreign words on the images. And if people for some reason don’t know, “Task Manager” is the thing that pops up when you pess Ctrl+Alt+Del =_=;

• CPU Monitor: Can be found in the Task Manager. See image by clicking here.
• CPU Booster: See image by clicking here.
• Memory Monitor: Can be found in the Task Manager. See image by clicking here. Admittedly, the Task Manager doesn’t have a graph for this, but is that really so important..?
• Network Monitor: Can be found in the Task Manager. See image by clicking here.
• Startup Manager: Can be set using msconfig.exe (instructions in image). See image by clicking here.
• Uninstall Manager: So blatantly obvious the same as the “add/remove programs” programme that comes with Windows that I didn’t bother with an image.

Conclusion

In the end, SpeedUpMyPC 2009′s only redeeming quality is that it can free up RAM instantaniously, which I don’t know how to do without rebooting the computer. Yet, at least… But the same function can be achieved by freeware, so why would you bother with getting a programme for €25 that does nothing but fuck up your computer or fulfill tasks that you can do just as quickly yourself by using either Task Manager or msconfig.exe?

Actually, I take that back. Tasks that you can do QUICKER, since SpeedUpMyPC takes 2½ minutes just to boot up, at which point you could already have done whatever you wanted to do at least 2-5 times. So, does Uniblue SpeedUpMyPC 2009 deliver? FUCK NO!!! Get a piece of freeware to free up your RAM memory (or just increase your computer’s virtual memory) and learn how to use the Task Manager and BOOM!! You just saved €25.

Aaaah yes… Welcome to the darker corners of my mind, where I try to figure out why some people don’t just go *poof* and stop getting on my fucking nerves… By the way, I hope you like my skulls, it took me a 30 or so minutes to make them, but I think they turned out all right, though not completely as I had hoped. Anywho…

Today, we’ll be talking about a group of people I like to call “YouTube Fucktards“. For those of you who are a bit on the slow side today “fucktard” is a portmanteau of “fucking retard“. Now don’t get me wrong here, despite having been a mail man, I have nothing against intellectually challenged people, and given the circumstances, I find them considerably smarter than your average YouTube Fucktard. Anywho, if you’ve ever visited YouTube, you’ve probably encountered a YTFT (again, for the slow people, “YouTube Fucktard“), you might even be one yourself, in which case, either get a grip or go play in traffic.

So, what defines a YTFT, you may wish to know. Well, rather than just listing all the reasons and leave it at that, effectively making this a whine-post that won’t serve any good whatsoever, I’ve decided to make a detailed list of why the actions made by YTFTs make them YTFTs, and what they should do instead, to be good, decent YouTubers (you know, with brain power).

Point 1: A YTFT never uses the reply-function to reply to a comment.
I mean come on, it’s in the name, how fucking hard can it be to figure out?! If you want to reply to someone’s comment, you press the link in the comment saying “reply”. You DO NOT just write a new comment with the other person’s name in the beginning and expect them to know you’ve replied them. Doing that makes you an YTFT.

I will now explain how the “inner workings” of the YouTube notification system works. When you write a regular comment to a video, an e-mail is sent to the person who uploaded the video, so that they know that someone commented on their video. When you write a reply to a comment, and e-mail is sent to the person whose comment you replied to, so that they know someone has replied to their comment. In short, IF YOU DIDN’T USE THE REPLY-FUNCTION THE OTHER PERSON WON’T KNOW YOU REPLIED TO THEIR COMMENT!! Instead, the uploader of the video gets notified for absolutely no reason. So on behalf of all of us who upload videos, stop wasting our fucking time and start using the reply-function when replying to a comment, you God forsaken YouTube Fucktards!

As a special note, I’d like to mention that there ARE cases of YouTube coding screwing up, where a reply to a comment is interpreted by YouTube as a regular comment, and is shown as one. I don’t know why this happens, but it is a fully understandable screw up that you aren’t responsible for, so in case this happens, you obviously aren’t a YTFT.

Point 2a: YTFTs never reads the video description or does a basic search before commenting on the video.
To a YTFT, posing the question “What song/anime/game is this?” may seem innocent enough, but for people who have a ton of gameplay videos or AMVs, we don’t really feel like we should spend our time answering the same fucking question 300-400 times in course of a year, if not more often. READ THE DAMN VIDEO DESCRIPTION!!! In 4 out of 5 cases, the maker and/or uploader of a video describes the contents of the video in the video description section (well fucking duuuh, how can YTFTs not get this? once again, it’s in the name). They put it there FOR YOU TO READ, so that they can avoid being asked the brain-dead questions that the YTFTs just ask anyway. So for all you YTFTs, here’s what you have to do to “turn yourselves around”.

Instead of asking “What game is this?“, do the following. Read the title of the video. If there aren’t any clues there, read the video description and the video tags. As of yet, in the roughly 3 years I’ve been visiting YouTube, I have NEVER seen a gameplay video that did not contain the name of the game in one of these three places. So stop being such a damn fucktard and read those three places and save everyone a bunch of time. On a similar not, don’t ask “How do you do/get [whatever]“. Figure it out from the watching the video, or go to www.gamefaqs.com and find out yourself.

With AMVs, instead of asking “What anime is this?”, do the exact same thing. AMVs using “footage” from only one anime will, like gameplay videos, usually contain the name of the anime used in either the title, video description, or the tags. In case of mash-up AMVs (AMVs that use many different anime), it is quite rare for the maker to write all the anime used in the AMV, though they does occasionally happen, so it is more justifiable to ask “what anime is it from [time in video where clip starts] to [time in video where clip ends]?“. I would however strongly suggest that mash-up AMV makers write what anime they used when to avoid being asked this constantly, in which case, we’re right back at reading the video description.

For the songs, this is the easiest. The name of the song in a video is usually written, guess where… exaaaactly, in the video description (this only applies to songs used as background music to a video, as in most other cases, it will be in the title itself). If it isn’t in the video description or the title, here’s what you do. Open a new browser or a new tab in the browser you already have open. Go to google. In the search box, write a quotation mark, then any line in the song that you can hear, and then another quotation mark. In the end, write lyrics and then make a search. I should look something like this: “in other words hold my hand” lyrics and boom, you should have hundreds or even thousands of links telling you the name of the song, which in this case is “Fly Me to the Moon“. Of course, if the the song has lyrics in a language you don’t understand, or if it doesn’t even have lyrics (e.g. game music), it is of course okay to ask, if the uploader didn’t add the song name to the video title and/or description.

Long story short, making a fricking effort about finding the information that you want to know yourself instead of wasting the time of the maker of the video by keep asking them questions. Don’t think “it’s okay if only I do it, I mean, I don’t ask that often“, but NOOUUUU!!! You may not ask that often, but there are millions of users on YouTube, and you can bet your ass that people get asked the same ignorant question on the same God damn video at least once every two weeks. Multiply that by the number of videos they have, in you have the same damn question to a different video about 50-100 times a month, sometimes more. And after a while, we don’t give a shit, which means you’ll only get your question answered if someone else spots your comment and is kind enough to answer. So at least TRY to find the information yourself, before asking questions.

Point 2b: YTFTs will actually complain when you ask them to read the title, video description, or tags, instead of answering them directly.
Oh yeah, this has happened quite a few times to me. Someone asks me a redundant question, I answer with “read the video info, that’s why it is there“, and the reply I get is “f u dickhead” or something other vulgar. See, the thing is, people don’t want to admit to a mistake or having done something obviously redundant, so they’d rather lash out at the one who brings attention to it. This especially goes for YTFTs. Read this most recent discussion I had with a YTFT about the 4th Hokage in the game “Narutimate Hero 3“. Admittedly, had I known he was such a fucktard, I would have used a full stop after the first “yes“, so that he wouldn’t be so confused, because GEEZ! Notice how he at every attempt tries to blame me for not being direct, despite me actually having answered his question in the most direct way possible. I should probably mention, that reply I referred him to stated the exact reason for why the 4th Hokage was simply called “Flash“.

Point 3: YTFTs will never even glance at your channel description before contacting you.
Some people have things they don’t want to be contacted about, and will usually write this in their channel description. However, YTFTs don’t seem to get this, and despite everything, will still contact you for those exact reasons. Now I personally have a channel description that starts like this: “READ THIS BEFORE CONTACTING ME IN ANY WAY!!“, the first thing afterwards being that I no longer accept video requests. Despite this, I still get video requests on an almost daily basis. To all YTFTs, READ THE FUCKING CHANNEL DESCRIPTIONS, YOU IGNORANT SHITHEADS!! There have been cases where people have noticed it immediately afterwards, and then apologized for having contacted me about a request. This is a-okay and does not make you a YTFT. However, saying things like: “hey asswipe i’ll ask for a request when ever i fucken want too” (this was said to me by wop4life103) would qualify you as roughly as intelligent as a week old piece of shit that has been run over by a truck… repeatedly. Don’t do it.

Point 4: YTFTs don’t know the difference between a friend request and a subscription.
If you are one of those people who have a bunch of good or even just decent videos, you are bound to get swarmed by friend requests by YTFTs. Now I’m all about being social and having friends, but at one point, I had a few hundred friends, though I’ve only ever spoken with maybe 15-20 of them. I had no fucking idea of who the rest were, and they had never contacted me, other than the friend requests, yet because I was on their friend list, I got spammed with thousands of redundant bulletins a day (this was before YouTube channels could be customized to remove the bulletin board, mind you). So having these “friends” struck me as utterly stupid, so I removed all of them and started fresh.

So to all you YTFTs, let me explain something. There’s nothing “special” about having hundreds of friends on YouTube, it doesn’t make you “better” or “cooler” than someone else. If you like a person’s videos, DO NOT SEND A FRIEND REQUEST, INSTEAD, SUBSCRIBE TO THEIR VIDEOS!!! Only send someone a friend requests if you a) are already friends with theme IRL or on another website or whatever; or b) plan to actually talk to the people you send the requests to on a somewhat regular basis. Anything else is just fucking redundant and having the ability to massively spam friend requests to everyone does not make you awesome.

End of the line.
We’ve reached the end of the line, which should be obvious from the above title, then again, if you are a YTFT, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had missed it… If you’ve read all of this, first of all, I commend your incredible “reading stamina”. Second of all, if you’ve recognized any of these traits in yourself, I strongly recommend that you take the pieces of advise to heart and make an effort to change so that you’ll no longer, you know, fail at life.

If you ever encounter a YTFT, and you want them to read the specific section that details what they just did that makes them an YTFT (e.g they just asked “What song is this?” on one of your videos, or any other question that could have been answered by just reading the video description), I’ve organized the links to each respective point here:

Point 1: http://m-27.com/?p=104#Point_1
Point 2a: http://m-27.com/?p=104#Point_2a
Point 2b: http://m-27.com/?p=104#Point_2b
Point 3: http://m-27.com/?p=104#Point_3
Point 4: http://m-27.com/?p=104#Point_4

Feel free to use them as often as needed and let’s hope we can turn at least a handful of YTFTs into decent YouTubers!