Tekken: The Motion Picture


The Animoo

Tekken: The Motion PictureAs a child, Kazuya was thrown off a cliff by his father, Heihachi, to prove he was worthy of being his son. However, the fall nearly killed Kazuya, who was then approached by Devil. In return for Kazuya’s soul, Devil would give him the chance to exact revenge against his father.

Several years later, the chance finally arises. The hosting of the King of Iron Fist Tournament, where all the greatest fighters assemble in order to win the grand prize of $1 billion and the title as “World’s Strongest”, if they can defeat all their opponents and finally, the current head of the Mishima Zaibatsu, Heihachi Mishima.

However, not everything is what it seems, and the fighters are not aware of what nasty fates await them on the island where the tournament is hosted…


The Boring Info

The anime is about 57 minutes of pure desire to kill yourself for being dumb enough to watch it, and is based on the game series, Tekken.

The anime was originally a two episode OVA, but I figure that when they found out that anyone not out of their mind wouldn’t watch the second episode after having watched the first, they decided to merge them into a single movie.

It is also called “Tekken: The Animation“, probably to avoid the confusion of people thinking it’s an actual movie (like the one being released in 2009). I just chose the “The Animation” poster (in contrast with the title I chose for the post) because it featured more characters, so it’s not a mistake on my side.

I have nothing more to add. I’m seriously only reviewing this so I can bash it for being insanely bad.


The Characters

In snack-sized bits
Mishima Kazuya – The main protagonist though hardly your average good guy. When he was thrown of a cliff as a young child by his father, he made a deal with Devil and swore revenge. Since that day, he renounced his family name and trained ferociously with nothing else in mind than the day were he would get the chance to kill his father.

Mishima Heihachi – Heihachi is the father of Kazuya. He wanted a strong and ruthless son who could take over the Mishima Zaibatsu and continue its war-monger ideals in order to create a “better world”. It is because of this he throws Kazuya off a cliff, when he started showing compassion towards Jun, in order to install the hatred in him to make him the Devil himself.

Lee Chaolan – Heihachi’s adopted son who has dreams of grandeur. He is obsessed with showing that he is better than Kazuya and wants to take control of the Mishima Zaibatsu, no matter what it takes. He even uses the tournament to forward his own agenda.

Devil – Devil is the entity to whom Kazuya sold his soul in order to be saved from death, so that he could exact revenge on his father. It is described as a cold and evil spirit. Devil resides inside Kazuya and grows stronger the more hate and anger Kazuya feels. In the anime, he for some reason makes Kazuya’s scar glow.

Kazama Jun – Jun works for the WWWC (a wildlife protection organization) and is sent to investigate the Mishima Zaibatsu, who are suspected of being in violation of the “Darwin Treaty”, a treaty related to genetic experiments in some odd way not fully explained. She has psychic abilities due to her Kazama bloodline, and is able to sense the spirits and intents of other living beings.

In the Tekken game, Jun had a sweet and compassionate personality, without being over the top. In the anime, she is an obnoxious goodie-two-shoes who should just be shot for being an idiot who can’t keep her nose out of other people’s business. They should consider changing WWJD? from “What Would Jesus Do?” to “What Would Jun Do?“, because both are trying to save the friggin’ world by getting rid of the Devil, and both have only ever been heard of in fiction, only difference is, she succeeds… Oh yeah, I went there.

The rest – There are a bunch of other fighters who have medium (they interact with the main characters somehow) to no relevance whatsoever (cameos). So to save myself the trouble, see the list here.


The Opinion

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST this sucks!!! I think the critics who hailed Akira must’ve seen this one first, because after seeing Tekken: The Motion Picture, you’ll hail anything as brilliant.

It has absolutely nothing going for it, NOTHING, other than the occasional song from the soundtrack and a single ½ second nudity scene. The scene wasn’t even good, but it was without a doubt the highlight of the ENTIRE movie.

Additionally I don’t even think the English translators have any idea of what the concept of Tekken actually is, because what the Hell was all the crap they spewed whenever the word was mentioned?

The reason most anime fans watch anime in Japanese is because English anime voice actors are, in 99 cases out of 100, completely without talent. Tekken is of course no exception. In fact, it is quite possibly the worst piece of crap voice acting this side of the Universe EVER.

If you ever want to see just how bad English voice acting can get, watch any 30 seconds of Tekken and you’ll know. And here’s the kicker; The only version of Tekken: The Motion Picture you’ll ever find, is the English one, the Japanese one is just GONE.

Anywho, it’s like the voice actors have never heard of emotions before. Whether the character is happy, unhappy, upset, angry, surprised, whatever, their voices never change in tempo or pitch, and the few times they do, it sounds so incredibly out of place that you’d wish they hadn’t said anything at all. That’s actually a suggestion. If you’re ever stupid enough to watch it, just mute the damn thing.

And what the Hell is with the ending?! Some sort of philosophical mumbo-jumbo that is pushed into the last few minutes so they could somehow justify its creation by saying “We were trying to teach the children a valuable lesson about peace and love and… ehm… stuff“.

THEY FAILED!! You don’t want to spend an hour sitting through an absolutely grueling story (or extreme lack of) only to be given a really bad four minute lecture.

The art was so-so. Compared to anything I draw, it was of course kick-ass, but compared to other things I’ve seen, not so much. It was very Dragonball-esque, to the point that if it was ever broadcast on TV, and you accidentally turn to that channel and saw Kazuya, your first thought would likely be “What the Hell is Vegeta doing there? And why is he dressed like that?“.

One thing to note though, is that they got much of the character designs and coloring OH SO WRONG! Even the artists failed miserably on that one.

So that’s pretty much my conclusion. If you are a fan of anime, DON’T watch it. If you are a fan of Tekken, DON’T watch it. If you are a fan of the art style in Dragonball, watch some of it on mute. Else, you may end up punching you monitor to death from frustration of how insanely bad it is.

Remember, I re-watched it for you people, so you wouldn’t have to go through the mental pain and suffering. The only thing that kept me going was yelling “HADOUKEN!!“, “SHINRYUUKEN!!“, or “SENPUUKYAKU!!” whenever someone connected with an attack.

So if you ever decide you want to see the anime that punched through the bottom of the barrel and drilled its way to the center of the earth, either because you’re a masochist or because you’re doing it on a dare (there is absolutely no other reason for any human being to watch it, unless they are blissfully unaware of how bad it is), remember to shout those things, it helps you from having a mental breakdown and start crying.

It’s the perfect “I hate you“-gift though.

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