Burned!: Uniblue SpeedUpMyPC 2009

Don’t get it, it’s a load of bullcrap! Common sense says that some programmes are better at making your computer run faster than others are, but Uniblue SpeedUpMyPC 2009 makes your computer run slower. SLOWER!!!! WTF!?!?!?!?

Tweaks

I tried applying all the tweaks that the programme found necessary for my computer to run faster. Here are the actual effects:

  • Browser and network tweaks: Was supposed to make browser boot up faster and make webpages load faster. In reality, the browser takes twice as long to boot and the webpages loads just as quickly as before, assuming they load at all!
  • Shut-down tweaks: Was supposed to make the process of shutting down your computer a lot faster. In reality, it has never been slower. I used to just press “start“, then “shut down computer“, and the shut-down box would appear after 5-15 seconds. The current time it takes for it to appear (timing it right now): 02:02.9 minutes. If we took the average time from before, this is an 1100% increase!! And the actual shut-down process is also slower than it was before, by 1.5x on average I’d say.
  • Boot-up tweaks: Well, let’s just say, before I applied the tweaks, the computer COULD boot up.
  • Recovery Center: In case you don’t like the tweaks, you can recover your old settings by undoing your tweaks. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Except, it doesn’t work. You can undo most of the tweaks, but not all of them. And even when the programme fails at reverting a tweak, it says it was successful in undoing them.

All in all, I have never, ever, EVER seen a programme fail it’s intended purpose as badly as this one. Unless you want to severely fuck up your computer, don’t get this programme!! Those of you who already have the programme will probably be going “You only adressed the bad things, not any of the other cool functions that are unique to SpeedUpMyPC.” and you would in a sense be right. I did not address them.

Why didn’t I? Because like 7 out of 10 functions are just a graphically enhanced Task Manager, which by the way boots faster than SpeedUpMyPC does (Startup time: Task Manager = less than 2½ seconds vs. SpeedUpMyPC = more than 2½ minutes). But because I know people will complain if I don’t do it, I’m gonna show you how to do the exact same things that SpeedUpMyPC does, but for free. So here come the images that will save you a bunch of money, since we have already established that the tweaks are complete and utter bullshit.

Functions

NB! My version of Windows XP is Danish, since it was purchased in Denmark, so please excuse the foreign words on the images. And if people for some reason don’t know, “Task Manager” is the thing that pops up when you pess Ctrl+Alt+Del =_=;

  • CPU Monitor: Can be found in the Task Manager. See image by clicking here.
  • CPU Booster: See image by clicking here.
  • Memory Monitor: Can be found in the Task Manager. See image by clicking here. Admittedly, the Task Manager doesn’t have a graph for this, but is that really so important..?
  • Network Monitor: Can be found in the Task Manager. See image by clicking here.
  • Startup Manager: Can be set using msconfig.exe (instructions in image). See image by clicking here.
  • Uninstall Manager: So blatantly obvious the same as the “add/remove programs” programme that comes with Windows that I didn’t bother with an image.

Conclusion

In the end, SpeedUpMyPC 2009’s only redeeming quality is that it can free up RAM instantaniously, which I don’t know how to do without rebooting the computer. Yet, at least… But the same function can be achieved by freeware, so why would you bother with getting a programme for €25 that does nothing but fuck up your computer or fulfill tasks that you can do just as quickly yourself by using either Task Manager or msconfig.exe?

Actually, I take that back. Tasks that you can do QUICKER, since SpeedUpMyPC takes 2½ minutes just to boot up, at which point you could already have done whatever you wanted to do at least 2-5 times. So, does Uniblue SpeedUpMyPC 2009 deliver? FUCK NO!!! Get a piece of freeware to free up your RAM memory (or just increase your computer’s virtual memory) and learn how to use the Task Manager and BOOM!! You just saved €25.

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